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The Best Steps after Discovering an Affair


Now that you have discovered your spouse is cheating and the unthinkable has suddenly become a difficult reality; what do you do? While a barrage of emotions is expected during this situation, controlling these emotions, and in turn your actions, can make the difference between courtroom success and failure. Utilizing the tools listed below can give you the upper hand you will need over a cheating spouse:


  • Remain calm and try to maintain a normal facade. As difficult as this sounds, its importance cannot be emphasized enough. Avoid the urge to “fly off the handle” or spew accusations, as this will immediately alert your partner to your knowledge of their activities. The less they know of your suspicions, the more likely they are to continue their behavior. It is almost always easier to collect evidence on an unaware subject.

  • Document any and all activity that you think is related to the infidelity. Make sure you write down the date and times of specific events in a journal. Don't simply commit their occurrence to memory, you need to document everything. If and when you hire an attorney, these notes will be worth their weight in gold in establishing a pattern of infidelity.

  • Any physical evidence you observe should also be carefully documented. Receipts or hotel bills can be photographed if removing them will alert the other party. As with behavior, well-documented physical evidence can be an extremely powerful tool in the event of a divorce.

  • Open your own personal and secure lines of communication. These can include opening a post office box, getting a prepaid cell phone, or setting up an anonymous email account. Whichever method you select, ensure the other party cannot monitor your communications in any way. Measures of this nature will ensure that communications with your investigator, and or attorney, continue unbeknownst to your unfaithful partner.

  • Know where you stand in terms of ownership of the marital assets. You should try and find out if you are listed on the title of any vehicles, bank accounts, or on any property titles. Keep a sharp eye out for evidence of unknown assets you previously didn’t know existed, including offshore accounts, personal checking accounts, or brokerage accounts. Cheaters will often try to hide funds if they suspect a divorce is possibly pending in the future.

  • If you do not have direct access to the monetary assets of the relationship, you may want to consider putting away money for investigative work and legal proceedings. Divorces can be an expensive burden to bear on one’s own if you are not sufficiently prepared. Family and friends can also make great resources to relieve the financial strain associated with separation.

Disclaimer: This content is provided for informational purposes only. The information presented is not legal advice and is not to be acted on as such.

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